In all simplicity, I love you

06/07/10

2010-07-06T00:10:00.002+08:00

Tonight I am alone. Yups, my sis is not together with me. Cold, feeling lonely...

But this is just so weird, I have just spent the whole day with my baby. ;)

This so seldom happens, and when it happens, that's when my mind starts to wander.

I guess when you grow older, that's when you starts to think. Of this, and that, and eventually everything? Yes, I know how it feels, cuz I do too, now.

Oh boy, I dunno what the future holds for me.

I have a plan, but will things go according to the plan? Reality is cruel, and if it really does, praise the Lord. I pray that it will too. :)

Nothing much I can say. A lot of things in my mind, but I can't form them into sentences. Saddest part of it. So, just let it be.

Nitez.

Love,

Michelle Phua

random

2010-05-22T02:16:00.001+08:00

anything can happen, anytime. It sucks, but then again..it's real.

uwaaaaaaaaaaa :'(

Love,

Michelle Phua

:')

2010-05-17T21:58:00.002+08:00

Somehow, sometimes I feel, and I wish I can be back to those days where stresses are so far away, even when the exams are near, I am still slacking around, curling up on the sofa with my favourite novels. How I wish and wish, those times come back to me :'(

It's already week 10 and I actually dun realise it until my baby told me today during dinner. This means, there is 2 more weeks to go before the end of the semester and after that will be the final exam. Oh noes! I really pray that I will do well. Of cuz, I will put in my effort to do well also. Amen. :)

Something keeps on bothering me though. My baby keeps on having migraine nowadays. Sometimes everyday, sometimes alternate days. :'(

Darling, you do know that I need you always right? You do know that I need you to be with me and telling me that everything is okay...and that I can do anything as long as you are here to support me? You are the one I can depend on when I fall, when I am weak.

I really pray that my baby will get well soon. It's really hurting and sad to see my dar suffering and I can just stand and watch him in pain...I am so helpless... :'(

Baby, I need you and I love you :')

Love,

Michelle Phua

:)

2010-05-12T23:22:00.002+08:00

I love it when..

after I was done revising at his house,

I told a sleeping baby Sim, "dar dar, hug me",

and he stretched his arm out and held up the blanket for me.

All this while he was unconscious :)

And when I almost fall off from the bed,

he will always be there to catch and hug me before I fall. <3

Baby, I have something to tell you~~

If I ever push you away, I don't really mean to.

When I tell you I don't wanna talk,

I do, I am just looking for the right words to say.

Give me a minute, and if I can tell you; I will.

I have thought of too many things to tell you

all at once that I don't know what to say first.

I'm really sorry that I let you suffer a lot during my PMS.

I dun mean to. And I dun know it was PMS even. :(

After being together with my baby for almost 2 years,

I've learnt one important thing.

"Love is about being patient".

Now, I truly understand what it means.

I mean, I know that love is patient...but I never really understand it.

Now I do.

I've gone through everything you did for me, and yes..

yes, you are indeed very patient with me.

You're patient despite my mood swings, insecurities, jealousy, attitude, everything!

I am not perfect, and I am trying.

I am one soul, one mind, one heart. And I love you.

I'm glad you are always together here with me.

Love you lots darling <3>

Love,

Michelle Phua

strength

2010-01-27T01:46:00.002+08:00

I was a wreck today =/

I tried to contend it...barely..barely..

but I did.

....

I let him in, then I let it out. Breathing. Breathing.

I begged for help. I wanted advice. I begged for mercy. But it didn't help.

I was so lost. I didn't know what to do.

I turned my back against him for a while. I believe no one could help.

I thought I have to find my own solutions.

Solutions to my problems.

That is my burden to carry. Not his. Not anyone's. All mine.

I was wrong to think that I can handle these on my own.

But I didn't want him to see how weak I am either.

But how do you tell someone that sometimes you feel left out of their lives?

Or that you are not doing well...not at all.

That you dun have a plan for the future and it terrifies you?

That you want to be happy?

That they will never understand how afraid you are of losing them?

That sometimes you want to give up and stay in bed until everything's okay again?

That you've lost faith in everything, in people, especially men?

That you're lonely?

And...

They they give meaning to your life?

Would they understand...?

Truly understand...?

But how can he understand if you can't even begin to put together a string of words to match the rhythm of the heart?

I prayed.

I prayed for strength..

I wanted to feel the power of prayers again..

And I realised the two most important men in my life.

Darling...it's you and daddy.

I whispered the names.

over and over...ever so softly.

I love you always.

Love,

Michelle Phua

postponed

2010-01-15T12:33:00.004+08:00

I have a real world life, but it was postponed.

unmotivated. That's what I'm feeling. With a few more negative emotions.

regret. doubtful. under appreciated. paranoid. frustrated.

moments of happiness are scarce.

sometimes, blessed with a feeling of loved. relief.

but these moments are few...almost close to none.

I pray this phase passes soon.

Cuz I dun want to miss out.

Cuz I dun want to waste so much time feeling down.

I have so much left to say. Yet, so much to become.

thoughts

2010-01-03T01:04:00.003+08:00

tonsilitis just won't leave me alone. sigh.

and i dunno what should i do.

on another matter...

i dun know. and i dun want to think about it.

New Year's Resolution: NIL

i have nothing else to say but just this one thing,

i hope everything that starts well, ends well too.

i wish everything will be alright for this year.

I say, you say

2009-11-11T23:08:00.001+08:00

I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass!

And of cuz it won't be my own. xD

Sigh, 3 days in a row. plus another one tomorrow. =(

P/S: I think I got my ass kicked. Can only hope for the best for now. Please please please.

Love,

Michelle Phua

hmmm

2009-11-10T02:10:00.001+08:00

oh God, please help me. I really need Your help ady.

I can't do this anymore. I lay everything unto Your hands now. Everything. In Jesus name, Amen.

Love,

Michelle Phua

HEART BROKEN :'(

2009-11-09T23:20:00.003+08:00

why? why do you have to do this to me?

I've loved you. I've learnt to love you, no matter how hard...

no matter how much sacrifice I would have to make...

I've loved and learnt to love.

It takes time, about a year to really love you.

BUT WHY?!

WHY DO YOU HAVE THE HEART TO HURT ME THIS WAY?

WHY DO YOU WANT TO BREAK MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES?

do you actually know how hurting it is?

do you know how I feel?

Do you actually know that you've stabbed me straight in the heart?

Shot me in the heart?

Do you know how disappointed I am ?? DO YOU?

I've tried to let you go. But I can't.

Cuz you're a part of my life.

A real big part of my life. Something I have to live with till the day I die.

If I have the chance to let go of you, I would have...long ago.

I can't bear living with you anymore. Do you get it???

I have nothing much to ask from you.

Perhaps you love me so much that you can't let me go.

If this is so, can you give me a chance to get to understand you a lot better?

Please...

I want to start anew..with you...

I want to forget about everything that have happened now.

I have had enough of everything.

Every single shit you have put me through...

Every single hurt and pain...

Disappointment....

I forgave you...

Just please...

do not let my heart down and break it again....

Sincerely for:

ACCOUNTING AND FINANCE !!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

Love,

Michelle Phua

lalalala~

2009-11-09T02:57:00.003+08:00

I am having weird dreams and they are all SO UNCOOL!

darling, i want to go shopping. I mean window shopping. haha

today's Acc 301. Wish me luck. ;)

and yea, i can't sleep. because of that dream. eeeeeeeeee!

all my fears are reflected in those dreams now. Stupid stupid !!!

oh yea, and this isn't the first time a dream woke me up from my sleep =0

but I am thankful it is just a dream.

If it is real, I swear I would die. T__________T

meh...going to watch another movie now. =)

P/S: Baby, those dreams really freak me out. huhu.

On another note, I love you. ;D

lalalala

Love,

Michelle Phua

:D

2009-11-07T20:51:00.000+08:00

Darling, happy 1 year + 2 months anniversary!

I love you :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

CGT CGT CGT CGT CGT CGT

2009-11-04T00:47:00.002+08:00

Imma stuck at CGT T_T

Need at least one day to get it right. If only I can get it right by the end of the day.

Frustrated =(((

I want to move on but I can't.

Cuz EVERY SINGLE THING has connection with CGT!

Pfffffft! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Love,

Michelle Phua

all the way down memory lane

2009-10-30T00:38:00.002+08:00

UGH!

If you still dunno, and you really wanted to know...now let me tell you frankly!

Michelle is in love and is happily so!

Or you really want me to send you a note writing this down is it?

And if you still dunno, go around in campus, and if you happen to see me,

you will always see me together with my baby.

Pfffft!

Is that so hard for you to understand?

Whatever you say and all those shit to my close friends...

my virus and all those f*cking bullshits!

the news you spread to my foundation lecturers about me..

thanks man. Thanks.

because who the hell gives a damn? :)

you have problem with your studies?

I have my own problems with this too. Not only you!

you got angry because I dun go to classes? You are not even my FREAKIN' lecturer. And yes, I studied by my own. Like I always do.

And because I dun go to classes, but I get better marks than yours,

you got envy and unhappy with me?

FINE! Go on envying.

F*ck!

Whatever good things in the past,

do remember, we are just friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Hate me all you want.

But this is who I am. A girl happily in love with Enoch.

And nothing you say to others is going to change me.

Be someone's Enoch. And trust me, you can really do so.

If you just open your heart, and love freely.

I'm sorry that you hate me now, but it's all your choice.

All yours. All the best. :)

12:50 am,

Michelle Phua

dear love

2009-10-29T00:00:00.003+08:00

I just realised something. :(

I think I have anger management issues.

Every single little thing pisses me off!

Like the food not arriving on time, the exams were f*king hard. UGH!

And worst, I even get started on my darling when he *drowned* my ice-cream in the ABC.

Darling, I am so sorry :(

You treat me so good, I want to be good to you too.

I promise I will try to control my anger when I'm around you baby

Moving on,

I am lost in the whole idiotic world of taxation =(((((

and i haven't start to study for my quiz yet tomorrow.

And those PTPTN guys are coming, and I dunno what time should I be there! damn!

I wanna sleep ady.

Baby...

Love,

Michelle Phua

to-do list :)

2009-10-27T22:29:00.002+08:00

And yes, here I am blogging.

When I am actually supposedly should be studying for my Finance quiz tomorrow and my Taxation quiz the day after. AND revising for my final exam!! Geee, talking about this makes me stressful.

Moving on...

This is what I'd love to do after my finals are over. *fingers crossed for all passes, Amen!*

~My to-do list~

1. Go to the beach with my baby.

It's been sooooooooo long since I last went to the beach.

I miss it right now :'(

2. Jog, jog and jog before my baby complains again and again "How to settle?"

Grrrr!

3. Just spend my time reading my whole lots of books over and over again. Ahh, paradise :D

4. Spend time together with my baby, without me being so stress out like now :(

5. Learn something new. But what??

6. Work, work, work. The question is 'where?!'

7. Shopping with my baby. ^^

Love,

Michelle Phua

my baby boy

2009-10-26T00:58:00.004+08:00

Hello ;)

Let me start.

My darling is really artistic. :D

He really is.

Let me show you that I am right ;)

Isn't it amazing? =)

Oh yea, beside being artistic, he is a big and spoilt baby too. hehe. Baby, I dun mind you're such a big and spoilt baby cuz you're my big and spoilt baby boy and that's the way I love it. I love it when you are so darn cute :3 when you say those things so innocently, sigh...

it makes me wanna kiss and hug you so much that I can turn you green.

I am glad you are the first guy I brought home to meet my daddy :)

And I would love you to be the last one ;p

Another photo I really adore...

Baby, bear with me k?

Isn't he adorable? Baby, I love you so so much.

I know you love me a lot a lot too. Muakssss darling!!

Love,

Michelle Phua

I want to kiss your lips...

2009-10-23T23:44:00.004+08:00

Taking a break after studying Finance for almost 1 and a half hour :)

When the clock strikes 12, I will go back again.

Been stressed out for the final. So much that I get so angry, frustrated, annoyed, pissed off.

And God bless him, I lash out at him.

I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry.

I love you...I will try to control my anger next time. I will try hard!

Love,

Michelle Phua

;)

2009-10-23T02:05:00.001+08:00

OMG. Scary. I dun wanna know my internal and get another wave of disappointment =(

Love,

Michelle Phua

hell breaks lose

2009-10-22T21:08:00.001+08:00

Studied for my final until I feel like crying already =(

I dun want to live like this anymore.

='(

Love,

Michelle Phua

Things girls don't realize :(

2009-10-21T23:30:00.002+08:00

Things girls don't realize....

Really I dun realize all of these? Lemme see :)

1. Guys are more emotional than you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer than you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.

- girls are the same too.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day, but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

- really? flirting around is so wrong!

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

- > =)

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

- hehe. cute :D

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

- LOL! girls dun like it too.

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

- likes me? pass. none applicable. haha!

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

- awww...I love you darling. Really do ;)

8. Guys don't care how gorgeous you are, if you're a bitch Goodbye.

- hoho. I just got to know about this a few days ago.

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like 'You know what?!..uh...nevermind..' would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

- but what if that girl loves to say 'uh...nvm?'

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

- *grinning*

11. Guys are very open about themselves.

- STRICTLY and ONLY to the one they LOVE

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

- huhu ok.

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

- :) knew it.

14. Guys love you more than you love them.

- really? girls love you more than you love them. isn't it the same? sigh.

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. They rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole hell of a lot.

- depends lo

16. No matter how much guys talk about butts and boobs, personality is key.

- owh...i am going to find out about this. Soon!

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

- hmm?

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

- I thought only girls think a lot. and guys dun think at all?

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

- cute ;3 haha

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

- really? aren't they in their 'nothing' box? haha

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

- i know you're going crazy over me ;D

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, 'Please come and listen to me.'

- I thought only girls did that.

23. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

- oh no...oh yes...whichever

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

- xD

25. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

- he must

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

- everyone has problems

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

- oh really?

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

- i dun think so though.

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

- T_T sorry darling. I know I've given you super hard time =(

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

- LOL oh LOL!

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

- come and share with me.

32. Not all guys are jerks. Just because ONE is a jackass doesn't mean he represents ALL of them.

- duh!!!

33. They love it when girls talk about their boobs.

- = =

34. When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually

- uiseh. haha!

35. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.

- lol, i know my darling is ;)

36. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

- lol to the latter part. haha!

37. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

- awww...i know...

38. Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you he probably still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life.

- oh no...I dun want this to happen. And I sincerely pray that God is not making a mistake by putting you and I together. Please....

P/S: I love you darling.

Love,

Michelle Phua

inventory :)

2009-10-21T18:56:00.000+08:00

Inventory- thumbs up!

Love,

Michelle Phua

Thank God :D

2009-10-21T01:59:00.004+08:00

Look for a miracle or wait for one to come?

I would wait =)

and yes, it comes to me :)

Thank God.

One good turn deserves another.

One bad turn, and you'll have to pay in return which will be a good turn for the other person.

Whatever....

Anyway,

I have the soft copy format ady...the one that was long lost 5 years ago. AWESOME!!!

Time for my tutorial now after one sem of not knowing what's the answer.

Thank God! Thank God!

Well, I know it's not the right way of getting the answer, but who cares?

now, all i worry about my stupid taxation T_____________T

Love,

Michelle Phua

you know what I called a busybody?

2009-10-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

Just when I am in a great mood for understanding my current tax and deferred tax of my Accounting 250, this stupid Taxation quiz result just pop out. = =

If only my hand is not that gatal to click on Moodle. meh.

Sikit lalu my marks =(

every single quiz only 1/5....how to survive?

sien liao..

dun have the mood to study liao. = =

to hell with this sem.

Thanks!

P/S: To someone, (you know who you are for coming to my blog constantly)----

I dun care whether it's my virus or what not. If it is, it's still me.

It's my life, I want to live how I want it to be.

I am not like you :)

Everyone is different my friend. If you dunno this, you have not seen enough.

Look around you.

I dun give a shit to what you say. Remember this.

I am typing here just so that you would know.

My friend wanted to follow my footstep, it's all up to her.

Not up to me.

So, just live your life, and just stay out of mine.

Thanks in advance. :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

Something to believe in

2009-10-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

I lost all faith in my God, in His religion too

I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new

I lost all trust in my friends

I watched my heart turn to stone

I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone

Tonight I'll dust myself off

Tonight I'll suck my gut in

I'll face the night and I'll pretend

I got something to believe in

And I had lost touch with reason

I watcher life critize the truth

Been waiting for a miracle

I know you have too

Though I know I won't win

I'll take this one on the chin

We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend

I got something to believe in

If I dun believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope

If I dun believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope

If there's nothing but survival, how can I survive in sin

In a world that gives you nothing

We need something to believe in.

-A song by Bon Jovi

Love,

Michelle Phua

:)

2009-10-19T20:28:00.001+08:00

I have no idea why am I studying accounting and finance when all i do after graduating is teaching.

Oh well, seems like i am following my cuzzie's footsteps =)

hehe

I love you darling.

Really do. <3

Love,

Michelle Phua

:(

2009-10-18T23:41:00.002+08:00

It is by far the worst sem for me. Acc 250 is drowning me, and I'm helpless. I can't help myself now. Tax 331 is tough as well. Fin 215 is the same too. Only Acc 301 I can find a lil' ease, but I still can't take it for granted.

I am miserable and disappointed. Mostly with my ownself.

I dun feel like talking to anyone. I am hopeless.

Dear Lord Jesus,

If this is where You want me to be, show me.

If this is what I am supposed to do, guide me.

If this is what I am destined for, light my path.

Dun leave me in the darkness. Help me pull through.

Reveal to me, what is Your plan for me.

Am I doing the right thing?

I've come this far

to this very moment

I dun want to give up

give me the strength to continue on

to go through day after day

this I pray.

I've had enough.

What's the point of being smart if I dun have your wisdom?

What's the point of going to classes if I dun have your understanding?

I pray for both of this. Always have.

For wisdom and understanding.

But I still dun understanding a single thing.

I dun understand what is happening to me.

I dun understand why am I in this situation.

Everything is dark. All around me.

There is no hope left for me.

And yes, it's all about me.

Cuz it's my fault.

Dear Lord

Listen to my pleas.

I know I have to trust in You and You alone.

But how can I do that without You helping me?

I know that I need to have faith.

Faith that You will make everything ok in the end.

But will I have the patience to wait for that to come?

I've prayed for strength

yet I failed again and again.

Perhaps studies is not my worst failure after all.

It's my failure to walk with You.

I dunno what You want me to know.

I know You love me. And You love everyone of us.

Free me from this worries for I do not want them anymore.

Give me the wisdom to study please.

I dun want this to be the end of me.

Help me.

Amen.

:(

2009-10-18T23:36:00.002+08:00

everything will be okay, everything will be alright.

I wish it is this way.

I've lost all hopes and dreams.

I dun want to continue anymore.

It's too much.

Enough is enough.

I want my normal life back.

eyes

2009-10-18T00:30:00.007+08:00

It's all in the eyes, dun you think so?

P/S: Get well soon baby.

I love you. Always will. Always do.

Love,

Michelle Phua

only hope

2009-10-17T01:16:00.001+08:00

Just left one hope. My only hope.

Oh please. *fingers crossed*

Amen!!!

Love,

Michelle Phua

Acc 301

2009-10-17T00:10:00.002+08:00

As You commanded the strong winds at the sea to be calm,

command the storms in my life to be calm.

Amen.

Going to study for my Acc 301. All decisions that have to be made, shall have to wait.

I have absolutely no idea on what I should do. Guide my way and my path, step by step.

Do not leave me and let me walk alone in the time of darkness for I need You.

Open up my heart and my mind to receive what I am going to study after this.

I pray for wisdom and understanding, strength and perseverance in studying.

Amen.

I've got to this far.

What's the point of pulling away?

Michelle Phua

sigh

2009-10-16T01:23:00.002+08:00

Just finish my 3rd quiz today. Taxation- UCA and partnership. SIGH...

It made me feel so demotivated. It made me lost all my hopes. :(

What's the use of cramping if all that I've learned all these while didn't even being ask in the exam or even quizzes? My depreciation can be wrong for all I know cuz everything is just so different from what I've read from the books and lecture notes. My partnership is supposed to be add salary, adding back interest on capital and less interest on drawings before I can distribute the income. But in the question, it's as if I have to add back my interest on drawings instead. And I'd probably chose the wrong figure to calculate that stupid truck depreciation. And yes, I got so confused...like what I did in my last quiz =(

I'm having quizzes and assignments to be handed in every single week :'(

And all these got me starting to worry again and again.

:'(

I'm so tired, exhausted, drained out. But I can't sleep.

I am disappointed..

All I want to do now is crawl into bed, and I hate this hot weather.

I want it to rain now. Rain real heavily. I want thunders and lightings.

To drown me, to muffle up my cries in the middle of the night.

And I DUN WANT the sun to come up. Sorry God...but I am NOT ready for a new day.

I am not ready to start again.

And I dun know how's my baby now..is he alright? Is he getting a lot better?

And finals are in 2 weeks time. Or 3. Whichever. :(((((

I want to be with my darling. Happy and carefree. Without stress, no pressure, no worries.

Thank you my love, for being there to comfort me always.

Always tried your best to make me smile :)

I love you. I wanna hug you so tight darling...

I know I shouldn't have got angry :'( I am sorry...it's none of your fault at all.

And now,

I dun give a shit and I dun give a damn!

As long as I study, that's it! I did my part...very responsibly so.

Who are you going to tell me how to live my life ?!

I dun want to live a lie that I will regret someday.

Yes, I fcking hate acc. Yes, I hate financial the most.

Cuz it makes no sense. What's with all those debiting and crediting?

Why all the complications? I would never ever memorize something that I dun have any idea on. I tried. Once, twice, umpteenth times. I still dun get it.

Yes, I admit to everything I said.

But it doesn't mean I gave up!

I will never ever do that !! I am going to strive till the end.

I am going to do my best and let Him do the rest.

Why you want to tell me how should I study?

Why do you expect so much from a girl like me when there are still others out there that needed a lot more attention than I do?

You have no rights to tell me whether it is black or white or even grey.

It is up to me to say. It is up to me. ME!

It's my life, not even yours.

So just get the hell out of it.

When you make the world get in my face...

I guess, I'll just say,

Have a nice day :)

P/S: If anyone keeps on trying to drag me down, I am still gonna stand my ground.

And I always meant what I say.

I pray...

2009-10-14T23:37:00.003+08:00

Things have been hard. I yearn for calm. I wish to be carefree. I'm tired of worrying. I pray it all stops. I surrender to Him. I have faith that He will guide me through and be with me no matter what. I know that He is there for me when I am weak, giving me strength. I know that He will provide me with the wisdom I need. I have faith that He will and always care for me. I am done trying to solve how to catch up with everything. I pray that He will give me the wisdom and guide me in my studies and open my heart and mind to all the things I am going to do and read about. I feel like I'm losing control over my life, especially my studies. They are too overwhelming. Too much for me to cope. But I have faith that with Him, nothing is impossible. And with Him in me, I will be able to do well. It is time I should let go and lay everything in His hands and trust Him to do the rest after I've done my best. And this is why I pray for strength to go on and wisdom to understand every single thing.

Father,

I am upset, disturbed and worried beyond measured

and now I pray that you will grant me the grace of inner peace

As You commanded the strong winds at the sea to be calm,

command the storms in my life to be calm.

Give me the patience I need

to cope with the burdens and anxieties in my life

Give me the wisdom and understanding I need

to cope with all my studies and exams that is just around the corner

Grant me strength to better deal with my problems

Teach me to learn to trust in You and not on my own strength and wisdom

Teach me to seek after Your will

which alone brings the peace of mind

and peace of heart.

In Jesus' name

Amen.

Love,

Michelle Phua

another advice, another message

2009-10-14T20:38:00.000+08:00

Weird huh?

this angel just came to me and said...

God is gracious, all that I need to do is pray and try my best, have faith in Him,

cuz for Him nothing is impossible, that He has prepared everything before hand,

and all I have to do is try my best and let God do the rest.

-Matthew 19:26-

Just sharing what he told me.

"When we are facing a lot of trouble and challenges, pressures from the world,

always remember that this is the way we can receive gifts from God. Try to slow down and relax, this is not possible for me...how can I slow down if the finals coming like so damn fast?! anyways, continue..listen to what He wants to tell you and always let Him comfort you. And then, gain the wisdom and strength from Him and start again. Well, it's really true I need His wisdom and understanding, cuz I CAN NEVER do this alone..not now, not ever...

"Most of us tried to use our own wisdom, ideas, ways to solve our own problems. But this is not actually what He wants. He had always wanted us to trust Him, that we know and acknowledge that He is God, He is Almighty, and nothing is impossible for Him as long as we trust, have faith and pray. Rely everything unto His loving hands, and do not worry. -Cuz Jesus said worrying is a sin?

The truth is I guess I rely too much on my own. Independent you say? I would say silly. So many things to do, so little time. More like, I have a lot of time, but I dun know how to do those stuffs that I am suppose to do even when I wanted to do it.

hmm..

Love,

Michelle Phua

life

2009-10-13T03:31:00.001+08:00

Life's only complicated when people use a parang to kill a mosquito.

Get well soon darling...

I love you.

Love,

Michelle Phua

try or trust?

2009-10-10T00:15:00.002+08:00

Jesus doesn't want us to try our best, He wants us to trust in Him.

This statement is not from me, but it's from a friend of mine.

Tell me, how true this is =/

my world, you are

2009-10-07T01:20:00.002+08:00

finals are coming. i am worried. worried sick about how my finals is going to be. i've screwed up mid term and quizzes, will i do the same in my finals too?

just when i thought of giving up, telling my dad that i can't do this no more, my baby turned to me and told me how much he loves me. He talked about the future. Our future. He held my hand in his. He hugged me tight from behind. Telling me that he will always be there for me. Every moment. He tried his hardest to make me smile and keep me smiling.

That was when I made up my mind, no matter how hard this is going to be, I will try my very best in my finals. No matter how screwed I was in my past, I am not going to let it happen anymore. I leave it all to fate, to God. I want to do all that and not to worry about failing. But I can't help it. I don't know why.

Sigh. Baby, you are my prayer, answered. I stopped wondering what in God's name did I do to deserve you. I stopped wondering because I don't want to find out I didn't do anything good and I actually don't deserve you and God made a mistake and that maybe I had to let you go. So, I stopped thinking about it and now I just enjoy it. :) You have it all baby, you have my trust, my love, my everything.

Thanks for loving me baby. I love you. I know we use those 3 words so loosely, but i mean it everytime I said it.

Happy 1 year + 1 month anniversary. Thanks for putting up with me all these while ;D

P/S: I'd very much love to have you in my life for a real long time. I hope you will :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

random

2009-10-04T21:06:00.000+08:00

oh no no...

God help me please?

have a nice day

2009-10-03T23:38:00.002+08:00

I wish you would have....

but wishes never come true...

they never...

michelle, enough of this self-pity and get a move on!!!

when the world gets in my FACE...

I say HAVE A NICE DAY!!!

nitez

complete me

2009-10-03T11:28:00.001+08:00

So different ... yet so in love.

I like it that we're so different.

that our interests are not the same

not at all.

but I still love you

and I know

how much I mean to you too.

sometimes we are total opposites,

you are all that I am not.

so i guess now

i can truly say that

you

complete

me.

Love,

Michelle Phua

alone and never will be lonely

2009-10-03T02:04:00.000+08:00

I will face the world alone and never will be lonely. I will have my baby, always by my side, standing by me.

i want to sing a happy song. I want to sing at the very top of my lungs. And I want my baby to play the guitar and sing along together with me.

For now, that is all I want.

P/S: I have a wonderful night darling. I love you ;) I'll always be your one and only girl.

Love,

Michelle Phua

The boyfriend with husband material application

2009-10-02T02:58:00.003+08:00

1. Taller than 165cm (that is how short I am)

2. Speaks fluent English

3. Can speak Mandarin to help this pitiful girl over here =p

4. Doesn't mind going to church and pray together with me

5. Kisses me like it is the last time he will kiss me

6. Hugs me everytime he sleeps

7. Treats me like a spoilt brat

8. Gives me those special hugs

9. Smells like heaven

10. Try his best to learn to play the songs I love with his guitar

11. Lets me tickle him when he knows that he had done something wrong

12. Lets me tickle him even though its my fault :D

13. Fair skin

14. Doesn't mind being ordered (eg. 'Kiss me!')

15. Makes me happy and laugh whenever I am down

16. Non stop teasing me---(though i did get tired of them when they are too much. lol)

17. Has the sweetest smile ever

18. Dun mind taking risk and adventures together with me

oh oh oh.....

I FOUND HIM ALREADY!!!

I LOVE YOU BABY ENOCH!

Kisses,

Michelle Phua

2009-09-30T23:52:00.003+08:00

AWESOME! The Internet line decides to slow down

the day I finally decide to start my revision for mid term.

Now I ain't gonna revise.

2009-09-30T23:24:00.002+08:00

I am glad I didn't do anything, and leave it all to fate and destiny.

Thank God.

Love,

Michelle Phua

oh so random :0

2009-09-29T02:19:00.000+08:00

at times, we are too engrossed and feeling so comfortable with ourselves, that we ignored what is happening around us.

there are people out there who needs love and care too.

hrm, what am i talking about? the 2nd or 3rd post for the night.

this is so crappy, i won't continue anymore. I know this is so uncool, but forgive me. =p

guess time for bed then.

Nitezz!

Love,

Michelle Phua

gossips =(

2009-09-29T02:10:00.000+08:00

without gossips, the world would have been a better place =D

without big mouth people who talks about nothing else but others misfortune, the world would have been a more peaceful place. ;]

good news which are pass around fast is alright :)

what about the other way round?

when the news is pass around faster than the internet, or any other means of communication you can think of...

wouldn't it hurt the other party if they did indeed get to know it?

in the case the other party have no idea about it, will you actually feel good about it?

at times, we need to put ourselves in these unfortunate people's shoes...and understand how are they feeling.

Just felt like typing this out cuz some memory just struck me, and it brought rage and anger to me. Felt sorry for this friend of mine. Not really a friend, but I got to know her somewhere.

but i guess, we do not actually have the power to control what people wants to say, do we?

especially those who can't resist a sweet and juicy gossip = ='''

and can't wait to spread them all around the world = ='''''''''''''''''

So, it's always a clever and wise choice to choose carefully of who you wanted to tell your secrets to ;]

just in case you know. ^-^

finally, just wanted to have a last word.

God bless those people.

P/S: dun mind me. this is the effect of lacking sleep and cramps. =S

hey there sir, more than words ain't it?

♥

Good night peeps!

is this where i am supposed to be?

2009-09-28T00:18:00.003+08:00

It's not really a silent night tonight. I can hear insects and frogs outside. Ah, the sound of nature is sometimes really soothing. Dun you think so? I remembered of something I read from a book, it says 'The sound of nature is the music played by God'. ;]

It's a good night to think too. I am not as sleepy like I am supposed to be. I can't recall of when is the last time I wrote a real lengthy post for this blog of mine.

;] I'm now thinking about the present. Not of the future.

I mean like now. Is who I think I am, is the one I want to be?

I dream big. Like real big, I dream of getting a real education, not just getting one, but plus excel and succeed in it too. I dream of having a fun life. I dream of shining. Shines in all that I do. I dream of living my life like how I wanted to live it.

I considered myself a blessed girl ;]

I have a nice family. I have shelter, food, enough money to spend. I have a loving man always being there for me. I begin to ask myself, what did I lack of? Or did I actually lack of anything? Did I really appreciate all that I have? What if something is taken away from me, can I live without it? What if, if that something is actually not my own choice and decision at the first place?

People will say He knows best. He knows what is the best for me.

Some others would say, listen to yourself and not what others say.

What can I do if I really can't take it anymore?

But looking back, I've realised that I have made it this far.

It seems so impossible, but by His grace I've got to this point.

I know He is perfect, and He will make no mistakes.

But I am not perfect. Should I take it?

Should I believe that right here, right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be?

Actually I thought of all this after listening to Welcome to Wherever You Are song, from Bon Jovi. Now I realise how much actually religion influences most of his songs. ;]

This song is relaying the message of holding on to your faith and trust in God in all times of hardships. He will pull you through.

I guess I just have to find a way, and not giving up. Cuz this is where I am supposed to be. ;)

Do pray for me.

Will always love you darling.

One

2009-09-25T10:43:00.000+08:00

One for love,

One for truth,

One for me,

One for you.

Love,

Michelle Phua

my thoughts

2009-09-24T00:18:00.002+08:00

I finally prove to myself one last time that I don’t fit in. The worst thing is, I don’t even care to anymore.

Perdisco is finally over. Underthought, overthought, got really nervous bout' not completing on time...these are all over. As long as I dun have to resit for this unit again, everything is fine for me.

Wanted to watch a movie now, but I have some other thoughts.

Thought of continue playing my Sims, again, I have some other thoughts.

Now, I am drowning myself in the 1970's, 80's and the 90's songs =D

Love every single one of it.

Just wondering---why can't songs these days be like those days?

Thinking of watching a movie, but I forgot the title. =S

oh well...

Wanted to sleep, but my eyes won't let me close them. So, here I am, still blogging.

oh yesh, on the other matter, I really love Gil Ofarim's song- It's Your Love :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

OH NO

2009-09-16T01:47:00.001+08:00

OH NO!

MY BRAIN IS SAYING NO TO ANY INPUT =(

oh crap!

2009-09-05T02:04:00.003+08:00

hye.

I'm not dead, and neither is my blog :)

i've thought of blogging earlier on, but i put it off till now.

my assignments are killing me :(

This is really due to my (non-existence) basic for this Accounting.

Since I dun feel like continuing that piece of assignment ^@&^%$^^&***#%%^!!!!!

I am going to blog =D

I know I should be studying and working harder now since mid term is just ONE WEEK away...

I should be studying a lot of TAXATION. = =

Just wanted to let something out.

ACCOUNTING IS FREAKING ANNOYING AND MAKES NO SENSE!!!!

neither does taxation =( and everything that requires solely memory work.

Now, I am feeling even more bitter than just now. pfft.

This course I am taking (Acc and Fin) requires a lot of counting, which is okay and nice for me.

BUT...at the same time, there are a lot things to remember too.

Nonsense like dr, cr, posting here and there, bal cd, bal bd, depr...and blablabla...I swear I can go on forever stating everything. zzzz!

and oh yeah, on a different note..

If I EVER had the chance to travel to KL...

I am so going to Book Xcess to shop for real cheap novels there.

Hey, RM17.90 for normal paperback novels!!! which is like only half the price sold in other major bookstores. DAMN...such rip offs they are.

If this price is not cheap, tell me where can i find cheaper original novels here in malaysia. haha!

P/S: 2 more days to the IMPORTANT day :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

Sleepless

2009-09-03T04:17:00.000+08:00

Grrr! I have exam on this afternoon, and here I am, not yet sleeping and still online-ing. It's 4++ in the morning. I've been sleepr deprived for the past few weeks and for today, this is no difference. Hate how I always have something to fuss over in this Accounting and Finance course. If there's no assignment due soon, there will be quizzes and online practices to be done. Otherwise, there will be a mid-sem exam. Or sometimes, like NOW, all of them just get delivered in a package at the same time. Pffft! This is not the 3-in-1 package I am looking forward to.

Things to ponder upon: The best thing one can get through sharing is to not feel out of place and to not feel weak and inferior.

Love,

Michelle Phua

secrets

2009-09-02T00:10:00.002+08:00

stumbled upon one of my friend's blog, and there is this secret game thingy.

anyone can post their secret, and of cuz remain anonymous.

and damn, i read one of the comment...

this is what it says..

"the only thing i want right now is just to hear him call my name for one last time. just once, it will be more than enough."

sad right? :(

T_T this makes me think.

i am so grateful to have the one I love loves me back =D What a wonderful blessing. Thank you Lord.

It's real hard to find the person share the same feeling as you. hmm..

Enoch love, I love you. Though its more than words, this I know, but I still love to say I love you ;)

Good night.

Love,

Michelle Phua

updates

2009-08-28T20:41:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since I post my last post. And someone has been pestering on posting in my blog ady. =p

Lots of happenings.

Let's see..erm, my real last post should be during my sem break.

kay..

starting of the semester, macam biasa lo, study...assignments, mid terms, quizzes

have to live with this.

and currently, i just celebrated birthday with my darling =D

and my baby just got his favourite Kuma :)

sorry for lying to you about a pink colour stuff :P

teheee

what else?

now preparing for my mid-term and quizzes.

Assignments done!!! =D

left one online one though.

oh yeah...

another thing, i am still counting the down the days to...

one year anniversary =D

not that it is long, it's not something to be really proud of too...

but it's to remind us how we have learnt so much about each other for a year,

the good things, and the bad things *huhu* and still we continue to love each other no matter what happens. ;)

i must admit, my darling is the one who is so patient with me after all these while.

i am too..but oh well, my thinking-too-much syndrome still gets in the way all the time. =0

anyway, that's all for now.

dear dear, time for you to update your blog too.

not only me k? love you baby <3

Love,

Michelle Phua

What If You

2009-07-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

What if you

Could wish me away

What if you

Spoke those words today

I wonder if you'd miss me

When I'm gone

It's come to this, release me

I'll leave before the dawn

But for tonight

I'll stay here with you

Yes, for tonight

I'll lay here with you

But when the sun

Hits your eyes

Through your window

There'll be nothing you can do

What if you

Could hear this song

What if I

Felt like I belong

I might not be leaving

Oh so soon

Began the night believing

I loved you in the moonlight

So, for tonight

I'll stay here with you

Yes, for tonight

I'll lay here with you

But when the sun

Hits your eyes

Through your window

There'll be nothing you can do

I could've treated you better

Better than this

Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter

Can't stay in one place

So, for tonight

I'll stay here with you

Yes, for tonight

I'll lay here with you

But when the sun

Hits your eyes

Through your window

There'll be nothing you can do

Credits to Joshua Radin.

wedding plans? hahaaha

2009-07-11T18:44:00.002+08:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with d wedding plan! At the end, choose d people u want to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know about u or jus to IRRITATE u. LOL

1. How old are you?

- 20

2. Are you single?

- not married but in love. does that count? haha!

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?

- 25, 26 :P

4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?

- i believe i will :D

5. If not, who do you want to marry?

- =(((((((((((((

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & best man?

- my friends and his friends...haha..

apa ka? awal also planning...oh my..

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?

- beach! too much la me. haha

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?

- =.=''' dunno la..i am still so young...cerita lama ni..

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?

- heh...i dun think i can answer the questions in this survey...LOL..

10. Will that include your exes?

- erk...no?

11. How many layers of cake do you want?

- ..

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?

- the whole day? hahaha

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.

- ...

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon,fork and knife?

- ...

15. Champagne or red wine?

- dun drink can?

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?

- right after? days after? dunno man...

17. Money or household items?

- i want love :)

18. How many kids would you like to have?

- ;D

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?

- =) sweet

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?

- ...

so hard to answer...haha

Love,

Michelle Phua

What If...

2009-07-11T18:34:00.002+08:00

Once you've been tagged, erase my answers and enter you own. You have to tag the person who tagged you. Then, publish your answer.

what if...

1. There was a maggot in your soup?

--> waaa...i am not going to drink that soup, use that bowl for the rest of my life.

2. You woke up and only mcdonalds and starbucks exist ?

--> sad.

3. Pokemon were real?

--> i dun care.

4. You walked around your block naked?

--> O.o? since when Malaysia become so open minded?

5. The person of your dreams was finally yours?

--> he is mine now. <3

6. The world ends in 24 hours?

--> i make sure i call everyone to tell them i love them.

7. You could have 3 wishes but you had 10 seconds to say them?

--> 1st- prolong it to 24 hours please. another 2 wishes, pandai2 la i think within that 24 hours.

8. You could never die?

--> =.='''

9. There was beauty pageants for men?

--> owh..naise.

10. Models were short and fat instead of skinny and tall?

--> good. LOL!

11. We celebrated Halloween like a dark Christmas?

--> heh?

12. Girls wore boxers and guys wore panties?

--> it has happen in this world. nothing special.

13. Santa, the easter bunny, and the toothfairy really exist?

--> what if ah? oh no. there goes the meaning of christmas.

14. Music could give you cancer?

--> i won't listen to them anymore

15. Your parents arranged who you had to marry?

--> i will RUN AWAY!

16. You could star as a character in your favorite cartoon?

--> :)

17. You got to try out on American Idol?

--> which i rather NOT

18. Your parents were spies, superheros, or somethin cool when you are not home?

--> cool. haha

19. Your life or death depended on any game of your choice?

--> omg..

20. You became a parent 1 year from now?

--> too early

21. There was a breakfast cereal named after you?

--> that will be weird for me

22. You could talk to inanimate objects?

--> scary.

23. There was 10 more 'What If' questions included this as one of them?

--> i would continue answering them. haha

24. You were the only person in the world to have unlimited gas for your car?

--> woohoo!

25. You woke up as your opposite gender?

--> i need to learn how to pee. XD!!!!

26. With the snap of your fingers, any problem you would have could dissapear?

--> wow. then the world will have no more problems. :)

27. It was against the law to eat more than one meal a day?

--> break the law?

HAHHA!

Love,

Michelle Phua

tags 2

2009-07-11T18:26:00.002+08:00

I am seriously too bored that I am taking all the tags though it is not related to me. But oh, I dun mind. Just need something to do. I need to type. haha.

You have to answer the survey with an honest heart.

An honest heart will give you good luck for the entire

year. You may imagine of one people or

maybe some people not only one.

Answer it, "What if your ex says" referring to you!!!

1. Why did you let me go?

- why? hmm..

2. I still love you.

- heehe...that's so sweet of you. Thank you.

3. When did we last talk?

- I forgot.

4. Will you go out with me?

- like go pasar? can.

6. I cannot keep my promise to you.

- dun promise lo.

7. My friends say we don't look good together..

- then continue to listen to your friends ;)

8. You have changed!

- erk..duh?

9. Can we get back together?

- it's 25 minutes too late. haha!

10. Oh, I know what this is all about. You found someone else.

- yea. :)

11. Don't you realize? You are the one who hurt me!

- i am sorry.

12. how can u forget our memories??

- i dun. they fade away.

13. I will always love you.

- that's sweet of you. Thanks.

14. Would you die for our love?

- OUR love? erk...ada ka? haha

15. You jump, i jump..remember?

- yea..from Titanic..isn't that sweet? :)

16. Kiss me to break the curse if i sleep for a hundred years.

- hmm? kiss you? never ever. lol.

17. Whats the difference between me and Him/Her.

- you are not him. simple. :)

18. I saw you last night with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

- i can't even go out at night. salah orang.

19. Without me, your life wouldn't be complete.

- aiks..so sure?

20. Why are you doing this to me!?

- do what?

stupid questions la those. haha! other survey la. haiyo

Tags 1

2009-07-11T18:07:00.002+08:00

Bored =(

Today, tomorrow and tomorrow....

It's gonna be a long long day.

Nothing else to do except for tags XD

Be honest no matter what.

If I tag you, you have to do one!

1.) Have u been asked out?

- yurp

2.) Where's your default picture taken?

- my room

3.) What's your middle name?

- Phua

4.) Your current relationship status?

- In love with my love

5.) Does your crush like you back?

- I dun have a crush

6.) What is your current mood?

- cold, bored, relax

7.) What color of shirt are you wearing?

- blue

8.) What color pants are you wearing?

- black

9.) Missing something?

- not something

10.) If you could go back in time and change something, what would you do?

- oh well, this and that.

11.) If you must be an animal for one day, what?

- i want to fly

12.) Ever had a near death experience?

- i guess?

13.) Something you do a lot?

- maple? sleep?

14.) The song stuck in your head?

- none

15.) Who did you copy and paste this from?

- Another Michelle. haha

16.) Name someone with the same birthday as you?

- no idea

17.) When was the last time you cried?

- :)

18.) Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?

- ....

19.) If you could have one super power what would it be?

- read minds! haha! no, change the mood of the ppl around me. hmm. no, see the future...

i dunno man..

20.) What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

- the hair? haha

21.) What do you usually order from Starbucks?

- i dun drink coffee

22.) What's your biggest secret?

- it is the BIGGEST secret

23.) Favorite color?

- a lot

24.) Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows?

- yea XD

25.) What's on your walls?

- dust

26.) What are you?

- human

27.) Do you speak any other language?

- yea

28.) What's your favorite smell?

- oh....i miss my boy.. =/

29.) Describe your life in one word.

- interesting! i guess..

30.) Have you ever kissed in the rain?

- ;) sweet sweet memories. I need to make more of those sweet memories!

31.) What are you thinking about right now?

- ;(

33.) What should you be doing?

- maple? movie? this? sleep? i dunno.

34.) Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?

- it is normal. haha

35.) How often do u talk to God?

- everynight. huhu...cuz I know He listens to me always :D

36.) Do you like working in the yard?

- no

37.) If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?

- ? for?

38.) Do you act differently around the person you like?

- i dun act differently around the person i love even. I love to be me. XD

39.) What is your natural hair color?

- a lot

40.) Who was the last person to make you cry?

- :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

:)

2009-07-08T20:57:00.001+08:00

That place is jahat. Take my darling away. But distance does make the heart grow fonder :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

results

2009-07-08T03:02:00.002+08:00

results are out.

i did.. pretty badly..

i passed with...bad results.

but i still passed..

thank God. Amen. :)

got a migraine...

sleep for a while..more like 3 or 4 hours..

woke up because of a dream...

and can't sleep until now..

i need someone to hold me...

I love you Mr. Enoch Sim ;D

Love,

Michelle Phua

trust

2009-07-07T13:57:00.001+08:00

oh yea..another thing..

i need to learn to trust.

sounds familiar?

The Notebook. :)

If I dun trust, means i dun love.

So i have to trust, to show that I love.

Love,

Michelle Phua

hormones imba

2009-07-07T13:45:00.004+08:00

Meh..

stupid hormone imba.

as in very very imba.

now i can finally say..

no wonder Michelle is going crazy...

no wonder she got angry all of a sudden at different times of the day.

and no wonder, the same victim is always her dear. =(

meh...useless hormones..

and the worst thing is..

i have to live with it for the rest of my life.

and the worst of the worst...is there such a word at all?

i have to live with it every single month. =S

but really thanks to my friends...

whom i called, i chatted with, messaged..and erm, gaming? haha

and also to my dear..

haha..he is the one who get the worst of all. =S

I didn't meant to. blame my hormones imba dear.

i just couldn't wait for something now?

guess what?

and have you guys heard the news?

After days of mood imba, i finally manage to smile again :)

what a relief.

Love,

Michelle Phua

:)

2009-07-05T20:21:00.003+08:00

asking for forgiveness and receiving it is perhaps one of the best feeling in life apart from loving.

i am glad that i finally did that, and i have learnt to let go of the past.

how silly i am to think that when i have done a mistake and i can't even said sorry to it anymore.

i know life will not be the same. it will never be the same. but at least, when you are in talking terms again, it does make you feel good about yourself and heck, the whole world. it seems like the sun is shining upon you on a rainy day.

i promise to never do that again though. it was a stupid act. it really was. just because i am having my own problems, doesn't mean that i have the right to bring others into my problems together, right?

i've learnt it real hard...perhaps this is the only reason i can't move on..

i mean, not in love.

well, the past is always in the past.

it is where it should be, ain't it?

though i know it hurts...

it hurts me too...

but now i can breathe a sigh of relief :)

thanks to you my friend.

worth living for

2009-07-03T23:35:00.003+08:00

I've been spamming ppls' facebook for now..

i got satisfaction just by doing this tonight..

oh wait, satisfaction isn't the quite right word, ain't it?

oh but who cares baby...haha

i've got a life to live...and erm, i want to live it this way for now..

spamming facebook...lol..

and actually, i am afraid..

i am afraid of who i am going to become..

i dun want to change...

of cuz i want to change to be better...

but if it becomes worse? what will happen?

honestly, my thoughts are really upside down nowadays...

i dun know what i am doing is right or wrong..

but one thing is for sure, when i realise it, i am surely going to blame myself for everything..

God, i hate this blaming-myself-when-everything-goes-wrong feeling. Get me?

it's not like i like to blame myself...

but it's just that..it just coomes to me you know..?

i have so many things in my mind..

i dun even know how to sort them out...one-by-one..

i am a failure in dealing with this.. =.= hopeless me...

perhaps i need someone to listen, someone to talk to, someone who would understand, someone who would give me some advice, someone to clear off some stuffs in my head, someone's shoulder to cry on, someone's arms to hug...you do know who you are...i welcome my friends too.. XD

it's hard to find someone to tell my most personal things to..

i have problems trusting :(

but i need to let it all out..

so i would just post it here..

sorry for the sentences..they won't be complete...and will not ever be complete unless i find the correct questions and answers.

how it begins? how beautiful? how nice? how comfortable? how happy? how hopeful? how hopeless? how bright? how long? how warm? how cold? how dark? how peaceful?

when? what happens? what had happened? what is going to happen? why it starts? why is it this way? why is it beautiful? why is it makes me feeling this way? why my tears roll down when i cry? stupid question really...but i want to know.. i got tired of this ady..it makes my eyes look puffy when i woke up in the morning..not to mention...black...ugh...

i need to sort them all out...it's so jumbled up for goodness sake...

yes...and i admit this..

i am been having insomnia for the past one month...

and i dun have the perfect reasons why...

and it goes the same for today..tonight...

i hate night time...

i hate daylights too..

what else can i like...you may ask...

i just live for the moment..whether i like it or no...

i dun really have a choice, do i?

one thing i know, i love someone...and it makes everything worth living for...

Michelle.

2009-07-03T13:26:00.001+08:00

oh God.........

=.='''

2 years ago and now

2009-06-19T23:40:00.002+08:00

oh my,

how different it feels now,

the last time this happens-2 years ago, all that i can feel is hatred...

pure hatred that i can say that I can hate this person till the day i die. Hoho!

but now,

all that i can feel is love,

pure love,

you make me feel so special,

you make me feel so different from what i felt 2 years ago,

yes, i know why,

you are different,

you are the one who really loves me,

this i know,

I would love to say...

I love you dear :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

untitled

2009-06-18T01:14:00.000+08:00

TRUE LOVE

I'm not sure I can always tell love from passion. One father said of
his teenaged son, "I don't know if he's in love or in heat!" What
teenager would know? Besides, feelings of attraction can change more
quickly than a pouty expression.

But love, in its truest form, is greater than feelings. It is as much
a decision as it is a feeling.

Love is what Mr. and Mrs. Strauss shared. Mrs. Isadore Strauss was one
of the few first class women passengers to go down with the Titanic in
1912, and she drowned because she could not bear to leave her husband.

They remained calm throughout the excitement of the sinking vessel.
They both aided frightened women and children to find places aboard
lifeboats. Finally, Mr. Strauss, who had repeatedly urged his wife to
claim a spot safely aboard a lifeboat, forced her to enter one.

She was seated but a moment, however, when she sprang up and climbed
back on deck before he could stop her. There, she caught his arm,
snuggling it familiarly against her side, and exclaimed, "We have been
long together for a great many years. We are old now. Where you go, I
will go."

Where you go, I will go. It is a decision to be together, come what
may. I suspect she said something like that to him many times before.
Maybe the words she used were different, but the meaning was the same.
I want to be with you. Let's do this together.

Where you go, I will go. It's a decision to love. It is deciding to be
there, wherever "there" may be. It is a decision to sacrifice, if
sacrifice is needed. And it is choosing to re-decide it all over again
tomorrow and the next day and the next.

As the ship sank beneath icy water on that cold and dark, April night,
the Strausses merely re-made a decision they had made many times
before throughout their life together. They decided on each other.

Where you go, I will go. At the heart of true love is often a
decision, made again and again, to face the next day together … hand
in hand.

read

2009-06-15T00:50:00.003+08:00

Last paper..last paper.

and I am FREE! yes..FREEDOM to do whatever i like for one whole month.

I want to read and read and do more readings these holidays. Miss my unread novels. haha!

Love,

Michelle Phua

Buried Myself Alive

2009-06-14T20:13:00.003+08:00

All of a sudden, I have a sudden liking towards The Used again. And I wonder why?

The songs are not good to say the least...the lyrics are the same too...

hmmm..why?

how come i like them so much suddenly owh? weird.

it's not good michelle. those songs are super emo..lol

anyway, i still enjoy Buried Myself Alive :D

no title

2009-06-14T05:48:00.002+08:00

Zzzz..

Still reading my marketing textbook.

But it seems like I can't remember a thing at all...ZzzZzz

oh yea, now i realise...

I haven't sleep yet =.='''

teruknya...

anyway, it's 5:55 a.m.

Lol, i still dun feel sleepy...

*endure michelle, endure. It's the last paper.

FFFFFFFF Marketing =(

2009-06-13T18:05:00.003+08:00

Marketing!!!

Damn! dun have the motivation to study for this unit at all..

but...

internal sucks =(

need to study in order to pass this damn unit..

FCUK!

I am not even majoring in marketing..

why in the world i should take this stupid unit?!

Pening eh!

my brain is not made to memorise stuffs =(

5:36 am

2009-06-13T05:36:00.002+08:00

5:36 a.m.

I am still .......

something's bothering me actually...for the whole night...the main reason i can't sleep even a wink at all.

midnight

2009-06-10T02:34:00.003+08:00

It's past midnight.

I'm still studying. Preparing for my Accounting Managerial 101. Aiming to get good results...but it seems unlikely. Accounts are hard to prepare...so many formats to remember...hmm..

It's ady 2:35 a.m. I can't sleep too...

P/S: Dear, I want you too. I love you.

Love,

Michelle Phua

need vs want

2009-06-09T03:02:00.001+08:00

you are not the person I need

but you the person I want.

By being the person I want,

you have become the person I need the most :)

Make sense? Actually it does.

Love you my dear.

Love,

Michelle Phua

JUMP!

2009-06-06T23:32:00.002+08:00

I'm just frustrated with my studies. my finals in particular. =(

A song from simple plan that sums up how i feel.

off to study again. ciao.

Jump!

I dont wanna wake up today
Cause everyday's the same
And I'd been waiting so long
For things to change
I'm sick of this town
Sick of my job
Sick of my friends 'cause everyone's jaded
Sick of this place, I wanna break free
I'm so frustrated, I just wanna

Jump! (Jump!)
Don't wanna think about tomorrow (Jump!)
I just don't care tonight
I just wanna jump (Jump!)
Don't wanna think about my sorrow
Let's go
Forget your problems
I just wanna jump

I don't wanna wake up one day
And find out it's too late
To do all the things I wanna do
So I'm gonna pack up my bags
I'm never coming back
'Cause the years are passing by
And I'm wasting all my ti-ti-time
Sick of this house
Sick of being broke
Sick of this town, that's bringing me down
I'm sick of this place, I wanna break free,
I'm so frustrated, I just wanna jump

Jump! (Jump!)
Don't wanna think about tomorrow (Jump!)
I just don't care tonight,
I just wanna jump (Jump!)
Don't wanna think about my sorrow
Let's go
Forget your problems
I just wanna jump
I just wanna jump

I can't take it anymore [x3]

Forget tomorrow, I just wanna jump (Jump!)
Don't wanna think about tomorrow (Jump!)
I just don't care tonight,
I just wanna jump (Jump!)
Don't wanna think about my sorrow
Let's go
Forget your problems
It's time to let them go
Forget tomorrow, I just wanna jump (Jump!)

I just wanna jump

Hurting :(

2009-06-06T03:10:00.003+08:00

Lalala...I want to sleep.

I manage to stay awake to study 3 topics for my law contract. :D

Back to the title of my post...

something is seriously hurting me right now.. :(

so painful, it makes me feel like crying..

what is hurting me so much you may ask...huhu..

It's my ear :(

Yea, my ear...so annoying la..

so painful..huhu..

T______T

sleepy =.=

2009-06-05T23:23:00.002+08:00

Oh no..

I feel like I wanted to sleep again...

is it a sin if I take a nap for a while? but i know my nap will pro-long to a very deep sleep...=S

hmm..better not..

i need to study!

hmmph..i need motivation...

Lord, extend to me concentration, Your wisdom for me to understand things I am going to study and a patient heart. :) In Jesus name, Amen.

P/S: Dearest, I love you. Your angel is here, always in your heart. XD

talk..talk..talk..

2009-06-05T03:34:00.003+08:00

3:34 a.m.

still wide awake...well erm, not really..

wondering what my dear is doing now...still studying?

could be..since my dear can't play maple now..huhu..

if no, I want to go Monster Carnival...boring la play alone..so hard to level up..huhu..

I think I made quite a good achievement today :D

Haha! Proud of myself and my dear and to everyone who can study for today :)

Studied from 8-10pm

and then 11:30-1:30am..

and then, eherm...maple...eherm...lol!

not addicted bah actually...want to release stress...

so many things i have to remember...for goodness sake =.='''

Marketing...oh no..matiku...die...huhu..

praying hard to get success in every units for this semester..

Amen.

Anyway, congrates dear for at last understand what you are studying all these while. This same goes to me too..lol..

oh yea, and in the midst of preparing for my finals, my guitar lessons i letak tepi only...huhu

T_T sad.

but it's ok i guess...

i still have ppl to teach me with guitar :D

erm, what else i want to talk about?

hmm..oh yea..

i never know that cats have the feelings of jealousy too...lol!

Purrrr-cy is jealous because we found another 2 baby kittens...

super cute..especially Snowball...fuh...

but sadly, they are not mine..neither are they belong to my dear...

not joshua's one either...

they belong to the neighbour..oh well..

still they are cute! muahaha!

so small..so fluffy...hehe..

but just this one thing...

they didn't see the path they walk...

always jatuh longkang...haizzzz...

=.='''

3:45 am ady?

time to sleep i guess...

good night people!

P/S: I love you. Been a while since I write this P/S I love you thing owh?

It's ok. I love you Mr. Enoch Sim! haha! I know you love me too :)

aahh...sweet ;p

* i just realise something! YES! quiet..shh..quiet dah ppl...haha!!

Love,

Michelle Phua

Abba Father, it's me, Your child

2009-06-05T03:31:00.000+08:00

I want to love Jesus forever

Although storms are occuring in my life,

I will still love Jesus forever.

Abba Father, it's me, Your child,

Make my whole life fitting

Abba Father, it's me, Your child,

Use me according to Your plan.

Love,

Michelle Phua

Sorry

2009-06-03T23:28:00.003+08:00

I never know that. I am sorry.

Seriously, I feel like crying now

T________T

I give You my life. And I told You to take over.

There are so many things I dun understand.

Things I thought they are right, are wrong.

Deeds I thought which are correct, turns out to be the other way round.

I dun realise I am hurting the others.

Father, teach me how to live,

I want to cast all my cares upon You.

In everything I do, there are challenges.

Trusting in You,

in my family,

in my studies,

in my relationship,

in my life.

I can't cope anymore.

I realise this is my fault.

Father, bring me back to the right way.

This is my heart's desire,

to achieve success in everything I do.

I give it all to You. In Jesus name,

Amen.

finals

2009-06-03T20:30:00.002+08:00

3rd June 2009.

It is the time of the semester again..

where everyone rushing all around, trying their best to revise everything...

filled up the whole library..

not getting enough of sleep..

I know how it feels :'(

wanting to let it all out here...

just chat with a friend of mine...from the same course..

from 4 assessments, i failed 2...oh my, what had happened to me?

I thought i am the only one..

but apparently, this goes the same to my friend too..

what happened to us? or even better...what happened to the lecturer?

oh well, i dun want to complain so much about her either...

read one of my friend's blog and i realised that he had the same problem with her too..

what can you expect from a new graduate...who becomes my tutor?

Nothing. I really really wish I can have my real lecturer becoming my tutor...but instead the other thing happen...oh well, i live with it...

but i never knew, i will fail 4 of all my assessments =(

Damn...so sad...

I did pass my internal though...but as in like, pass 50%...

sheesh..

i really need to get 50% in my final in order to pass everything...and the final mark i will get if i pass with only 50% of my final is 50% for overall. get me? yes? no? it doesn't matter...i was just blabbering here...but this is the truth...

made me so tense up. =(

moving to law contract...

this is even worse...

i dunno whose advise to follow now..

either my lecturer or my tutor...

how can their way of writing the 4 steps can be so different?

it is so contradictory...

my tutor says---write out your facts in step 3, dun write anything in step 2...

my lecturer says---write out your facts in step 2, apply it in step 3...

personally, i know that what my lecturer says is correct, but i am still confused about the whole thing...damn it...why you want to make life so difficult for me? stick to only one way of writing it please...

and then statistic, hmm...i still have problems in chi-square and regressions..haih...

anyone can help me in this one please? other than those, i am ok...

just a little bit confused, but i know i can get through that one..

so far, accounting is still the best for me. I mean, i understand what am i doing, and i know the purpose of me doing all those set of accounts...it brings me satisfaction being able to complete all my tutorials. Though there are some parts which are complicated, but i do know that with His wisdom and understanding...I will understand everything before my finals.

Dear Lord, I need Your help. I lay down everything unto Your loving hands. Take over. Let Your name be glorified in my studies, my exams, my life. Extend to me your wisdom, understanding. Help me to understand all that I have learnt so far, even for the ones which I may not have learnt at all. Calm down my fears and please never leave me. We need you Father. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen. :)

Feel a lot better :)

Time to study. But, I need sleep...study first then sleep. and then perhaps, mapling again? hahah!!

Love,

Michelle Phua

Thanks :)

2009-05-30T01:39:00.002+08:00

Thanks dear and to all my friends who celebrated my birthday :)

P/S: Anyone who have those pictures taken that night..will you please send it to me? Hehe..Thanks in advance :)

I really need to study now. My internal marks are not as good as I wanted them to be. But oh well, what's past remains in the past. I need to concentrate in my final. In Him alone, I put my trust. :)

I do need to pray for good results for my final. I need your prayers too :)

Thanks bro and sis :)

2009-05-28T03:18:00.002+08:00

Time passes by so fast. It's already 3:20 am...

Preparing for my mid-term later =s

anyway, i am no more a 19-year-old girl =p

I am twenty. hmm..sounds so old...haha!

over sleeping

2009-05-25T21:02:00.002+08:00

I have a lot of stuffs and studies to catch up with.

Thursday- Law mid term. =.= It is about the end of the semester and yet there is this mid-term just before the final exam. swt.

and what did i wanted to write about again? hmm..oh yea..

I sleep a lot these days..

i mean this few days..hehe

like today...I slept around 4 am, woke up 10:30am...

and then sleep from 11:00am to 2:30pm...

after that I had my lunch..

then 3:3opm to 6:00pm...

after that I went for jogging...

oh my, I sleep almost 13 hours a day?

it's like more than half of a day...LOL!

i should cut it down and start revising for my finals and that mid term. =.=''' haha

not going to sleep tonight i guess...

my eyes are wide-awake now. lol.

off to study my budgets. see ya ppl!

thanks

2009-05-24T23:04:00.001+08:00

I love devotionals from RBC "Our Daily Bread".

It is just so meaningful and it applies to a lot of aspects in my life! :D

Thanks RBC :)

Love,

Michelle Phua

2009-05-24T02:34:00.001+08:00

2:33 am - Law Contract 101

- LOL!

Love,

Michelle Phua

lalala

2009-05-21T02:09:00.002+08:00

so what did i do the whole night?

- music

- more music

- study (half way only though...sheeesh..now i know why i can't concentrate..hmm...someone really needs to remind me of this..so that i can concentrate for 4 hours like yesterday :D

- maple- it is so hard to level up!! and quests gives so little exp. huhu.. T_T. It's alright...just casual playing only...but still, I want to be strong. Haha!

- online- facebook is as bored as ever. I have lost interest in Pet Society...cuz I can't log in =.=

- now blogging

- later sleeping? hehe...of cuz!!

P/S: Remember to pray. Prayer did make a change!!

it's not easy

2009-05-19T22:08:00.002+08:00

Oh God, I dun want to do this anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

My internal sucks! Yes, they really are. And I dun want to face my daddy after getting my final result. I know I am doing really badly. I know. I can't cope. I can't catch up. And is it too late of I were to start revising now? I've lost my motivation to study. Not as enthusiastic like the beginning of this sem. Dear Lord, I give up. Everything I have is Yours. Your will be done. I can only pray for the best and do my best. But I can't seem to be doing my best at all.

I dun want to fail any of my units. No way.... :(

And my dad really has a damn high expectation on me. And I can't live up to that...I can't...

Damn it, I am so stressed up now. I dunno what should I do...

I dunno where to start...

How to start...

What to study...

What is important...

There are so many things bugging in my head...

damn!!!!

i shouldn't have overheard that conversation...

I really shouldn't have...

it's my fault...i am not eavesdropping...

dad is talking way too loud...

and i heard him...ouch...that hurts...or am i actually touched? but hurt by my mum instead?

whatever..

I seriously need to study...

Planning to complete my acc 101 CVP today.

Pray for me.

Lord, You are the only one who knows what is the best for me. But will You reveal it to me?

Times like this, I am tired of waiting...

I know I shouldn't be like this..

I will always trust in You.

Thank You for loving me first so that I may love others.

I think I've just severed the 5th commandment. Honor your parents.

I'm too stressed out...

Anyway, going back to my studies.

it's not about me, it's all about You

2009-05-17T23:34:00.004+08:00

The title has nothing to do with this post ;p

Anyways, it is the truth right?

It is not what I have done, but what He had done for us :D

Amazing love.

continue on to my post:

I am busy attending to future-accounting and finance-duties. Well, want to know more about it?

It's all about Accounting 100, Accounting Managerial, Heroes, Legal Framework, guitar lessons, Law Contract, The Notebook, Marketing, A Walk to Remember, Business Statistics and P/S: I Love You (oh I love this movie!...opps...haha)

Anyway, ladies and gents, I am currently quite busy with my assignments and another coming up mid- term (yes, I know...what to do la right?) And after that will be my final exam..oh lol...

I need motivation to study. Dear Lord, will You extend your understanding and wisdom to me in my studies and revision for my assignments, mid-term and final exams?

Thank you :D

And I seriously wanted to watch a movie, going for a walk, going shopping, jogging (well, I do this almost everday..haha), and the most important one---going to the beach!! and of cuz with my dearest <3

- Imagining *walking along the beach, feel the small waves under my feet, seeing couples holding hands together (Hah! I still remember the first time we went to the beach together, there's this married couple taking photos together :D ), listening to the waves--or is it hearing?, then the soft sand under my feet, looking at the baby crabs running into their holes (cute!), enjoy the view of the sunset---hmm, beautiful :) , and taking photos!!

oh i know i sound like a child here...oh yea! and talking about white puffy clouds!! Looking at them makes me wanted to hug them only..hehe...dear dear, I know I can't, but I wish I can..

yes, macam little girl kan when I say this? My dear said so too. "You're like a little girl la." When I say I wanted to touch the clouds. LOL.

But oh well, this is me. Erm, I know that I am no more a small little girl, but this is the most important part! "My jiwa mesti mahu muda, then I can enjoy life better! muahaha!!"

By the way, I want to selitkan this in also..."dear, I love you! I miss the time we spent on the beach :) haha"

Hmm, bout taking photos, it's been a long while since I took photos with my dear. It's not that we dun take photos together, but not our own. erm, how to say ah? Lintang-pukang bah ayat..haha..

Anyway, Lit Tak is the one always taking photos, and sometimes he took our photos together. Thanks Lit Tak :D

Thanks for being there for me always dearest. Hehe, I know that I am always there for you too ;p And thanks for your advice dear dear :D I love you baby! (since when I start to use this, lol..better stick to one...)

I will study well also, you also must study well k?

I need to concentrate in my studies ady...after our assignments are done...it will be time for us to study together :)

P/S: I love you dear. I know you love me too :D

<3>

P/S: this is how life should be, no matter how many challenges we are facing, no matter how messed up our lives are, at the end of the day, cheer up(it is useless being emotional tak tentu pasal..unless it is PMS time..haha) and know that our challenges are not bigger than our Father in Heaven. I love you Daddy :D

Thank you for Your grace :)

Thank you for Your love <3

(Thanks dear for reminding me of this)

disclaimer.

2009-05-17T00:49:00.004+08:00

First thing first, I wanted to clarify here.

This is my blog, and I can say whatever I like.

And if you find there is something wrong with my post, why dun you just let it be?

Will it really satisfy you to post your comments for my posts?

If you are daring enough, stop labelling yourself as anonymous.

I hate STALKERS!

who are you to judge me?

how long have you known me?

I know i have learnt my lesson the hard way...

but I dun want to fall and not able to pick myself up again!

can't you understand that?

can't i give myself another chance to fall in love with someone again?

can't i?

what's wrong with loving someone?

what's wrong with having future hopes with someone whom I really love?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?

And who are you to budge into my personal life?

I am the one who choose who I wanted to be with.

And for ONE thing!

you take note of this...whoever you are anonymous:

- you are not God! you dun have the right to question whether this is a blessing for me or for him or no?

and what does this really matters to you anyway?

the reason of you doing this is to make me feel guilty is it?

you have just FAILED dude!

FAILED!

everyone who loves need to make sacrifices.

I know he sacrificed a lot for me...I really thank my dearest for that...

So have I...we have sacrifices to make...dun you know this?

and if I am not a blessing to him....

why would God make us together in the first place?

why when we did something wrong, God will rebuke us?

why when we are far away from God, He will always find a way to bring us back to Him...and most of the time, He will bring the both of us back to Him...

me and him together is not another co-incidence (take note*)

it is planned. I trust that He will make everything beautiful in His own timing.

and dun you know this too?

P/S: you dun have the right to make me feel guilty. you can say whatever you like, but nothing you say is ever gonna change my love for God and my dear...(sorry if this disappoints you).

Yes, seriously, you have upset me a lot...but I've forgiven you.

Lastly, trust in Him always. Dun ask so much questions when you can never have an answer to it. Peace.

thinking...

2009-05-11T02:01:00.001+08:00

hmmmm...

smell no evil

2009-05-11T01:27:00.001+08:00

Many people believe in forces: guns and armies.

Many people believe in money.

Many people believe in education, that is we just educate people enough, we can change the world.

Hardly anyone seems to believe in the power of love. No one seems to think it would be any good to "turn the other cheek."

God believes in the power of love. Jesus believes it too. He believes that if you love enough, and for long enough, people will finally come to their senses and respond to that love.

Love is only expressed through giving.

John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He gave"

In Galatians 2:20 "I live by faith in the Son Of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me"

Ephesians 5:25 "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."

So, the measure of your giving is the measure of your love. The more you give...of yourself, your time, your attention, your affection...the more you love. This is what Jesus meant in John 15:3.

Bad memories are always the thing that pull me down. They are the things that kept on blocking me, my way, my wants, my needs, my desires.

I've always thought that I have moved on. But indeed, I prove myself really wrong. =s

I never knew that it would hurt this bad. I thought that since it happened like 2 years ago, I would have totally forgotten about it. But no, I am not over it yet.

It is so hard, when it comes back, it's like all my memories are coming back again. It seems like this just happen yesterday. When I got into an argument, which ends up with both party being hurt to the max, the coldness of treating each other, the silence and finally, the end of the whole relationship. *Nightmare* I won't want this to happen again. And I am really sure that this won't happen again. The outcome will not be the same.

All of us have our own weaknesses. We just need someone close to us to tell us what are they. But whatever our weaknesses are, I believe that Jesus understands every suffering that we have to go through. Not only that He understands, but He knows how to help us go through too.

Dear, I need you to prove to me that this time, it won't be the same like the last time anymore. I can't bear to lose another one whom I love and this time, it means you.

I love you dear.

Love,

Michelle Phua

my first, my last

2009-05-05T20:01:00.002+08:00

Will you promise me to

be my first

and my last? ♥

conceive in your heart

born in your eyes

live on your cheek

and die on your lips

this is who I want to be for you ♥

P/S: I know that you will and I trust you always dear :)

I love you.

GO!

2009-05-01T01:25:00.003+08:00

so many things to do, yet so little time...

why we only have 24 hours?

i guess i didn't manage my time well then =p

anyway, things to do:

- saturday- acc 101 mid sem

- thursday- b.stats lab assignment

- friday- marketing debate

- the next week or 2 weeks after that= law exam again =.=''' , marketing plan...oh my...

so many things to do la kan...and after that final...

why is the time moving so fast? yet i feel that is it so damn slow...

anyway, i've just found out something!! interesting stuff!

satan wujud duhal!! haha! eh, i still can laugh some more aa? kk...seriousla...

putting thoughts into my mind...(paloi...sikda kerja lain is it????)

and the worst thing...I fall into his treat...(congrates man...you get me...but I slip away...*pat on the shoulder for me!! :D )

of course, thanks to my dearest for helping and listening to me :)

I love you forevermore...

whatever it is...i still can't deny that this particular matter still stays in my mind..

what the heck la kan?

perkara kecik also i think that it is serious...but then for me, serious la this...

because of this...i cry macam a woman mati suami (CHOI!! haha) but betul bah...

is there really no way to solve this situation?? oh no T______T

show me the way, will you please Lord?

wherever you go, I want to go too...

I wanted to be with you...

but if I can't, will you stay here with me?

heh...the answer is so hard la kan...

if you stay, then i feel guilty la pulak cuz i dun let you go...

if you go, then i blame you cuz i am lonely, then i go emo sorang-sorang...

eh..sot bah otak!!

ugh...so frust!!

so F***** UP!!

i dun wanna stuck here! damn it!

argh...NO!!!! just get away from me negative thoughts!!!!

dah baik2 me on the way to my one and only salvation...you suka2 gilak mok kacau tok pahal?

sik puas hati ka? not only this...others pun mok dikaco juak!! my relationship also you have to campur tangan is it? pi mampus you! go back to where you belong...and dun disturb me again will you? I've have had enough! and I'm really tired of this!

mentang2 i weak, then you love to kacau me is it? there is nothing better to do is it you liar, deceitful trash??????????!!!!!!!!

ya benar i scold...sik pernah2 i am this angry ok?! what do you want from me ah satan?

whatever it is...I WON'T GIVE IN!! yarabi, senangnya i cakap...but surely i can! F*** you man!

huish...my language very colourful la now...everything also ada...haha...

bah...i sakit ati bah...

i dunno what to choose...

i dunno what should i do...

it is not easy at all !!

and yea, i am getting tired of people asking me to pray only...

i know...i did...i pray...all the time...ALL THE TIME!!!

but things are getting worse people...worst...

I am damn tired, reckless, burnt out, so cold-hearted...and if i were to tell this to anyone outside...

i know what answer will i get..."pray michelle..."

i know people...i did that...everytime...every night...well, if that's not enough..every morning, whenever i feel like it...

i wanted something more than that!!!

ah yes, prayer do change thing...I know...

but will people be more helpful by saying something more than praying?

blargh...i dun understand!

perhaps will never will...

but oh well, who cares....(i care...aih...ngeng!!)

I'm trying so hard to STOP TRYING SO HARD!

get what i am trying to say? yes? no?

I give in!

Be who You are in me.

you are not going to be the one who tear down everything i have built all these while!

you should not be, and must not be idiotic devil!

let me go and rest in peace.

I love God and love my dearest at the same time!

Do not ever ever put that thought in my mind where I must only choose one out of the two!

And do not ever put another thought...which is...telling my dear to choose between me and God!

I know that he can love me and God at the same time! dilemma apa you put into me hah?

will you just SHUT UP and leave me alone ka?

YOU F***** UP SATAN!!! WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT I CAN COMPARE MYSELF TO GOD HAH? MEMANG SESUAI LA YOUR PLACE WITH YOUR PERANGAI! HAIYO! NOW I CAN'T STOP GETTING ANGRY!

just go back to where you belong to alright?

just do me this favour...go back...

and dun come and disturb my relationships again!

PERGI MAMPUS YOU!

P/S: forgive me for the language used. this is not directed to anyone...but to that someone who's voice is always so loud talking to me in my head. =.=''' I hate you man....yeah, i just murdered you...muahaha!

15 things

2009-04-24T20:04:00.002+08:00

As usual, I get this from my email too =DD
Although the statements below may not be correct, but always remember you mean a lot to someone in this world =)

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
- hmmm...

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
- of cuz there are =)

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
- stupid reason to hate someone!!

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
- *smiles*

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
- awww, so sweet :)
I think of someone too, every night before I go to sleep :)

6. You mean the world to someone.
- and someone means the world to me too

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
- hmm..deep..haha

8. You are special and unique.
- thanks..thanks ;D

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
- how can that be?

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
- how i wish...but yea, thinking back, yeap, something good really turns out =)

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
- who cares about the world??

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
- *singing*...I believe we are meant to be...lalalala...hahaha!

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
- ok boss!

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
- yea...very very true :)

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
- oh, they knew it =D

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
- a minute? so fast? oh well...

Take the time... to live and love.
- of cuz I will :)

Dearest, I love you :)

God lies in the smallest details of our lives.

2009-04-20T20:48:00.003+08:00

This is touching.
Read on!

GOD LIES IN THE SMALLEST DETAILS OF OUR LIVES

To those who are married, not married, and soon to be married.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, "I've got something to tell you." She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly, I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "Why?"
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!"
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep. I fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning, she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make out last days together bearable, I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce condition...She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms :)". His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten metres with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young anymore. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage has taken its toll on her. For a minute, I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dressed but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconciously, I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, "Daddy, it's time to carry mummy out." To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms, I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, "I hadn't notive that our life lacked intimacy."

I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, "Sorry Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore."

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched and forehead. "Do you have a fever?". I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry Dew", I said, "I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day, I am supposed to hold her until death do us part.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us part.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run upstairs, only to find my wife in the bed- she is dead.

The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment condusive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage for those married couples :)

God works in everyone's life. This includes me and you. I love you my dear.

never let you go

2009-04-13T00:04:00.004+08:00

I wish I could be there with you when you are sick.
I wish I could be the one who can calm you down.
I wish I can give you a hug to ease your pain.
I wish I can be by your side when you're in pain.
But all that I can do is just to be a phone call away from you dear.

Listening to you crying out in pain, pains me my dear.
Knowing that at times like this, I can't be there with you...
But always do remember that, I love you and will always be there to support you.
I pray that our loving Father will heal you from any sickness that you may have.
I pray that you will be alright dear.
I am worry that you are having migrain almost everyday dear.
I know the pain dear. Yet dear, I dun want you to give up.
I'm always here for you. Whenever you need me, I'm just a phone call away if I'm not with you.

Dear, I am sorry to say that I am scared to leave you.
The truth be told, I dun want to lose you. I can't imagine me living without you. I cling to God, yes...but I need you too. You've always support me dear.
The reason I am scared is because I am unsure. Not unsure of your love for me.
I know that you love me dear.
I am afraid that I am not giving you the support and encouragement you've wanted from me.
I am afraid that I am not good enough for you.
I am afraid that I am taking away your happiness.
I dun want this to happen to you.

And in order to see you happy dear, I make the hardest decision ever in my mind. I have to leave. But I know that this is not the best decision. So, I decided to improve myself for you. This is what I should do. Because I know, me leaving you will cause you to be hurt even more...and hurting myself too. Dear, it is true that by the grace of God, we are together at the first place. And I believe that God will be together with us in our journey to our future. I believe that He won't forsake us dear. I strongly believe this. I won't give up dear. Dear, I need you to support me too. I can't go through all these alone.

Dear, this is my promise to you...I won't leave you. I will always choose to love you. Dun worry ok dear? If I am saying about leaving and all those stuffs, it's just another one of my insecurities about myself...not about you. And leaving you is the last choice...and I will never choose that dear. Trust me.

I love you my dear..always.

P/S: If you ask me not to leave you, I won't leave.
I will take your hand, and will never let you go.

Your love,

Michelle Phua

what would you say?

2009-04-10T21:45:00.002+08:00

Now that it's all said and done...
lalalalala...
suddenly i am addicted to this song...
but it's not a good song though..damn it!!

what would you say if I asked you not to go?
Would you take my hand and never let me go?
These wishes I wish and these dreams I chased

anyways, anyone here have any ideas why can't I log in to pet society?

i'm just depressed...tried to post something up..
but inside i'm empty.
i give up. that's all i guess.
bye.

It's nice to know.

2009-04-01T20:33:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog. Of cuz, there are lots of things happening in my life...family, friends, assignments, mid terms, classes, my dearest :)
but thank God, He is with me all the time. And that is why, no matter how stressed out or pressured I am, I know that He loves me and I put my trust in Him :D

Anyway, I wanted to share this story.
Read on ok? :)

A Love That Changes

Just as the delivery van pulled away from the florist, the manager came running out. There was a cancellation on one of the orders, and he needed it back.

"Which one?" asked the driver.

"The one that reads 'Darling, I will love you forever.' "

When we fall in love, who doesn't feel that it will last forever? But we change. And as we do, our love changes too.

Do you remember the touching interchange between Tevye and Golde in the musical "Fiddler on the Roof"?

"Do you love me?" Tevye asked his wife.

"Do I what?" Golde responded.

"Do you love me?"

"Do I love you? With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town, you are upset, you are worn out, go inside, go lie down, maybe it is indigestion."

"Golde, I'm asking you a question. Do you love me?"

"You're a fool."

"I know, but do you love me?"

"For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why speak of love right now? I'm your wife," she said.

"But do you love me?"

Now Golde becomes reflective.
"For twenty-five years I've lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that's not love, what is?"

"Then you love me?"

"I suppose I do."

"It's nice to know."

And it is nice to know, for twenty-five years is a long time. Time enough for things to change. Time enough to quit.

My wife and I were married when we were young. And I have to say, I dun love her like I used to. I've changed and so has she. Enough years will do that. We've been through ups and downs. We grew older. And my feelings for her grew older too.

The relationship feels more secure now. I think it is a better love than years ago- more enduring. More solid. Like the two of us, our love grew up.

And maybe she could live the rest of her life without saying "I love you." I know how she feels. But she says it anyway.

And it's nice to know.

P/S: It's nice to know that you love me dear. I love you too. :)
Things change. I change and you will change too. But I trust that our love for each other will grow deeper and deeper as the time goes by.

One day, I would love to say...
I never regretted falling in love with you, my dear.

Only you can make me happy. I thank God for blessing you with me :)

Love,

Michelle Phua