strength

I was a wreck today =/

I tried to contend it...barely..barely..

but I did.

....

I let him in, then I let it out. Breathing. Breathing.

I begged for help. I wanted advice. I begged for mercy. But it didn't help.

I was so lost. I didn't know what to do.

I turned my back against him for a while. I believe no one could help.

I thought I have to find my own solutions.

Solutions to my problems.

That is my burden to carry. Not his. Not anyone's. All mine.

I was wrong to think that I can handle these on my own.

But I didn't want him to see how weak I am either.

But how do you tell someone that sometimes you feel left out of their lives?

Or that you are not doing well...not at all.

That you dun have a plan for the future and it terrifies you?

That you want to be happy?

That they will never understand how afraid you are of losing them?

That sometimes you want to give up and stay in bed until everything's okay again?

That you've lost faith in everything, in people, especially men?

That you're lonely?

And...

They they give meaning to your life?

Would they understand...?

Truly understand...?

But how can he understand if you can't even begin to put together a string of words to match the rhythm of the heart?

I prayed.

I prayed for strength..

I wanted to feel the power of prayers again..

And I realised the two most important men in my life.

Darling...it's you and daddy.

I whispered the names.

over and over...ever so softly.

I love you always.

Love,

Michelle Phua