06/07/10

Tonight I am alone. Yups, my sis is not together with me. Cold, feeling lonely...

But this is just so weird, I have just spent the whole day with my baby. ;)

This so seldom happens, and when it happens, that's when my mind starts to wander.

I guess when you grow older, that's when you starts to think. Of this, and that, and eventually everything? Yes, I know how it feels, cuz I do too, now.

Oh boy, I dunno what the future holds for me.

I have a plan, but will things go according to the plan? Reality is cruel, and if it really does, praise the Lord. I pray that it will too. :)

Nothing much I can say. A lot of things in my mind, but I can't form them into sentences. Saddest part of it. So, just let it be.

Nitez.

Love,

Michelle Phua

random

anything can happen, anytime. It sucks, but then again..it's real.

uwaaaaaaaaaaa :'(

Love,

Michelle Phua

:')

Somehow, sometimes I feel, and I wish I can be back to those days where stresses are so far away, even when the exams are near, I am still slacking around, curling up on the sofa with my favourite novels. How I wish and wish, those times come back to me :'(

It's already week 10 and I actually dun realise it until my baby told me today during dinner. This means, there is 2 more weeks to go before the end of the semester and after that will be the final exam. Oh noes! I really pray that I will do well. Of cuz, I will put in my effort to do well also. Amen. :)

Something keeps on bothering me though. My baby keeps on having migraine nowadays. Sometimes everyday, sometimes alternate days. :'(

Darling, you do know that I need you always right? You do know that I need you to be with me and telling me that everything is okay...and that I can do anything as long as you are here to support me? You are the one I can depend on when I fall, when I am weak.

I really pray that my baby will get well soon. It's really hurting and sad to see my dar suffering and I can just stand and watch him in pain...I am so helpless... :'(

Baby, I need you and I love you :')

Love,

Michelle Phua

:)

I love it when..

after I was done revising at his house,

I told a sleeping baby Sim, "dar dar, hug me",

and he stretched his arm out and held up the blanket for me.

All this while he was unconscious :)

And when I almost fall off from the bed,

he will always be there to catch and hug me before I fall. <3

Baby, I have something to tell you~~

If I ever push you away, I don't really mean to.

When I tell you I don't wanna talk,

I do, I am just looking for the right words to say.

Give me a minute, and if I can tell you; I will.

I have thought of too many things to tell you

all at once that I don't know what to say first.

I'm really sorry that I let you suffer a lot during my PMS.

I dun mean to. And I dun know it was PMS even. :(

After being together with my baby for almost 2 years,

I've learnt one important thing.

"Love is about being patient".

Now, I truly understand what it means.

I mean, I know that love is patient...but I never really understand it.

Now I do.

I've gone through everything you did for me, and yes..

yes, you are indeed very patient with me.

You're patient despite my mood swings, insecurities, jealousy, attitude, everything!

I am not perfect, and I am trying.

I am one soul, one mind, one heart. And I love you.

I'm glad you are always together here with me.

Love you lots darling <3>

Love,

Michelle Phua

strength

I was a wreck today =/

I tried to contend it...barely..barely..

but I did.

....

I let him in, then I let it out. Breathing. Breathing.

I begged for help. I wanted advice. I begged for mercy. But it didn't help.

I was so lost. I didn't know what to do.

I turned my back against him for a while. I believe no one could help.

I thought I have to find my own solutions.

Solutions to my problems.

That is my burden to carry. Not his. Not anyone's. All mine.

I was wrong to think that I can handle these on my own.

But I didn't want him to see how weak I am either.

But how do you tell someone that sometimes you feel left out of their lives?

Or that you are not doing well...not at all.

That you dun have a plan for the future and it terrifies you?

That you want to be happy?

That they will never understand how afraid you are of losing them?

That sometimes you want to give up and stay in bed until everything's okay again?

That you've lost faith in everything, in people, especially men?

That you're lonely?

And...

They they give meaning to your life?

Would they understand...?

Truly understand...?

But how can he understand if you can't even begin to put together a string of words to match the rhythm of the heart?

I prayed.

I prayed for strength..

I wanted to feel the power of prayers again..

And I realised the two most important men in my life.

Darling...it's you and daddy.

I whispered the names.

over and over...ever so softly.

I love you always.

Love,

Michelle Phua

postponed

I have a real world life, but it was postponed.

unmotivated. That's what I'm feeling. With a few more negative emotions.

regret. doubtful. under appreciated. paranoid. frustrated.

moments of happiness are scarce.

sometimes, blessed with a feeling of loved. relief.

but these moments are few...almost close to none.

I pray this phase passes soon.

Cuz I dun want to miss out.

Cuz I dun want to waste so much time feeling down.

I have so much left to say. Yet, so much to become.

thoughts

tonsilitis just won't leave me alone. sigh.

and i dunno what should i do.

on another matter...

i dun know. and i dun want to think about it.

New Year's Resolution: NIL

i have nothing else to say but just this one thing,

i hope everything that starts well, ends well too.

i wish everything will be alright for this year.

I say, you say

I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass. I’m gonna kick ass!

And of cuz it won't be my own. xD

Sigh, 3 days in a row. plus another one tomorrow. =(

P/S: I think I got my ass kicked. Can only hope for the best for now. Please please please.

Love,

Michelle Phua

hmmm

oh God, please help me. I really need Your help ady.

I can't do this anymore. I lay everything unto Your hands now. Everything. In Jesus name, Amen.

Love,

Michelle Phua

HEART BROKEN :'(

why? why do you have to do this to me?

I've loved you. I've learnt to love you, no matter how hard...

no matter how much sacrifice I would have to make...

I've loved and learnt to love.

It takes time, about a year to really love you.

BUT WHY?!

WHY DO YOU HAVE THE HEART TO HURT ME THIS WAY?

WHY DO YOU WANT TO BREAK MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES?

do you actually know how hurting it is?

do you know how I feel?

Do you actually know that you've stabbed me straight in the heart?

Shot me in the heart?

Do you know how disappointed I am ?? DO YOU?

I've tried to let you go. But I can't.

Cuz you're a part of my life.

A real big part of my life. Something I have to live with till the day I die.

If I have the chance to let go of you, I would have...long ago.

I can't bear living with you anymore. Do you get it???

I have nothing much to ask from you.

Perhaps you love me so much that you can't let me go.

If this is so, can you give me a chance to get to understand you a lot better?

Please...

I want to start anew..with you...

I want to forget about everything that have happened now.

I have had enough of everything.

Every single shit you have put me through...

Every single hurt and pain...

Disappointment....

I forgave you...

Just please...

do not let my heart down and break it again....

Sincerely for:

ACCOUNTING AND FINANCE !!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

Love,

Michelle Phua